Just Do What They Say And I Won't Get Hurt

Worlds collided on Thursday when everyone's favorite prima donna attention whore extraordinaire Brett Favre put down what should be very temporary roots in the media capital of the world.

This should end well.

Does this look like the face of a guy who ended up where he wanted to go? We swear that if you watch the video closely from yesterday's introductory press conference, you could see Favre blinking in morse code "s-a-v-e-m-e". The whole thing looked like a hostage video. It was very clear that Ol #4 wanted no part of the Jets, and fully expected to be holding up a Viking or Buc jersey at this point.

Too bad, Brett. You played this whole thing about as poorly as it could be done, tarnishing your legacy in the process. Sure, a handful of dumbasses in Green Bay will clamor for your return and never stop loving you, but the large majority of fans think you're an idiot. Football's Roger Clemens, if you will. We hope Aaron Rogers kicks ass this season.

How will this play out? Is it more Joe Montana to KC (got as far as the Conference Championship game) or more like Joe Namath to the Rams (generally shit the bed)? Our guess is somewhere in between, say 8-8, with plenty of slobbering commentary from Peter King and John Madden along the way.

Dirty? Me?

Shelly Duncan doesn't understand why the Rays (sans Devil) are so hot and bothered about his "slide" yesterday. Look at the photo - does that look like a dirty play to you? Isn't it routine to play "hard nosed ball" by attempting to separate the pivot from his testicles?

The whole thing started last week when a Tampa Bay single-A player (trying, no doubt, to make an impression on the manager)ran into a Yankee single-A catcher during a play at the plate, breaking the young man's wrist. Apparently, there is some unwritten baseball rule which states one is not supposed to do things like that during spring training. Decorum states you stand there and get tagged, as one would in T-Ball. Yankee manager Joe Girardi got his panties all twisted and raised a stink, then was promptly rebuffed by Don Zimmer now a Rays coach). For a guy who is supposedly more Old School than former boss Joe Torre, Girardi sure sounded a little whiny about this whole deal.

Yesterday's game began with a plunking, which, if we're following the unwritten rules, meant the matter was then settled.


Oh no, sir, not by a longshot.


Enter Shelly Duncan and the slide shown here. Maybe if we were forced to go through life with a girl's name, we might be a tad more likely to feel the need to prove our masculinity say, daily. Listen, Shelly, take out your anger on your parents, not opponents.


We do secretly love the fact that the Rays are doing everything possible to engage this new rivalry with the big bad Yankees, and hope that the fireworks continue throughout the upcoming season.



Yanks' Duncan still doesn't know why Rays reacted to spikes high slide (ESPN)
(AP photo)

I Love Mickey Mantle - Can I Play Now?

Speaking of stupid spring training stunts, the Yankees have pulled off a doozy. They're allowing long time Yankee fan (despite wearing a Mets cap in City Slickers) Billy Crystal to suit up and appear in a game.

Maybe it's just us, but if we were pitching for the Pirates we would not hesitate to buzz one right under his freaking chin. C'mon, you know if they were playing Tampa that's exactly what would happen!

How's The Slim Fast Thing Working Out, Tommy?

Isn't this cute? Former Dodger skipper Tommy Lasroda was allowed by current manager Joe Torre to take the reins for a spring game yesterday. Just for old times sake, and not at all for the benefit of the cameras, Ol' Number 2 even found the time to get into an argument with an umpire! Wow! Nothing contrived about that. And damn, doesn't he look great for his age? What are the odds he eschewed the post-game spread and instead enjoyed a nice glass of carrot juice and a little bean sprout salad?

Dodger beat writers will tell you that the whole persona this guy created for himself was total bullshit - he was a cantankerous bastard through and through. For us, nothing was better than the time he encountered Stuttering John.

To quote Irwin M. Fletcher, upon seeing a picture of Lasorda with the police chief:

Fletch: Hey! You and Tommy Lasorda! [points to picture, which is surrounded by dozens of celeb photos]]

Chief: (proudly) Yeah!

Fletch: [punches picture, cracking glass] I hate Tommy Lasorda.

Lasorda Back With Dodgers: Still Fat (Deadspin)

Boston Fans, Media Play It Safe

You can bet the Patriots are a confident bunch heading into the Super Bowl, and with good reason: being the first team ever to go 18-0 will have that effect. Despite this fact, one will be hard pressed to hear any arrogance from them as the week progresses. Bill Bellichick runs a pretty tight ship, and you won't hear any declarations like "We're gonna win" out of the mouths of Brady, Bruschi, or even Moss. Boring? Maybe, but pretty standard stuff nonetheless.
The Boston media and fans, however, are a different story.
Risking embarassment, or just trying to strike just before the iron gets hot, two products hit the market yesterday:

1.) A book about the magical 19-0 season, courtesy of the Boston Globe, available for pre-order

2.) "19-0" T-Shirts, which you can "wear as history happens"...or be doused with salsa and beer and soundly humiliated when your dream dies.

The Pats can't be too happy about these things, while Giants coach Tom Coughlin will undoubtedly use them as motivational tools. In prior years things like this would be ready to go before the game, but wouldn't be advertised until the result was assured. Announcing their availability before the game just smacks of arrogance from a fan base which, admittedly, has plenty to crow about over the past few years.

We kinda liked Boston fans more when they were loveable losers. These jerks are just begging for a nice healthy dose of schadenfreude.

Links:

19-0.org

19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots (amazon)

You're Dead Wood But I Won't Fire You

Raiders owner Al Davis is apparently still alive, and continuing his sad, downward spiral. Hiring Lane Kiffin as his coach just a year ago did little to dispel the notion that any man follish enough to take this job would be constantly haunted by the specter of the crypt-keeper-like owner. Conventional wisdom dictated that the young coach would be merely a puppet for the whims of the crazy old man.

The result? A dismal 4-12 season. Losing patience, Davis allegedly asked Kiffin to resign his position so he could bring in Dennis "Crown Their Asses" Green to oversee the ongoing train wreck. As usual, control over player decisions is playing a factor. Kiffin, however, has other ideas - he's not giving Davis the satisfaction.

According to Chris Mortensen:
Davis has gone so far to draft a letter of resignation for Kiffin to sign, a source said. Kiffin has refused to do so but has dared Davis to fire him instead.

Kiffin, who was 4-12 in his first season as coach, has two years remaining on his contract at an estimated $2 million per year.

We love the idea of a lawyer calling up the coach and saying that your boss would like him to step down, likely so he won't have to pay him, and expecting the coach to say, "Sure, okay that sounds perfectly reasonable."

Fight the power, Lane!

We Suck Because You're Mean!

Knicks President/GM/Coach/Dismantler Isiah Thomas has finally discovered the reason for his squad's lackluster play, which, after last night's 99-89 loss to Dallas dropped the Knickerbockers (6-14) deeper into last place. Is it the "we barley care" attitude of the high priced imports like Eddy Curry and Stephon Marbury? Is it the awful shooting? Is it a roster and accompanying slary structure seemingly put together during a three day hookers n' blow binge? Nope, it's you!

According to Altschuler, Thomas said, "We're missing layups because you're
booing." Altschuler, who worked 16 years for CBS News, said Thomas turned to
make his stream of remarks in the third and fourth quarters, directing it to the
first couple of rows.
According to Altschuler, Thomas invoked the phrase "Sixth Man," explaining what a crowd should be. Thomas mentioned Indiana and North Carolina as crowds that the Garden should emulate, she said. She said Thomas blamed a Quentin Richardson airball on the boos. Thomas could be seen by reporters in the third quarter exchanging words with fans, and did not deny it later.

So, remember, Knick fans: it's your responsibility, nay, your duty to cheer on your hometown squad, no matter how
horrid the play is on the court, nor how reprehensible the conduct of those in
charge. Be that Sixth Man!

The Garden of Hate (NY Post)

We'll Take A Shot At This One....

Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury continued his amazing year yesterday. After the Knickerbockers knocked off the Jazz 113-109 at MSG, the long suffering fans, apparently not ready to forgive all recent transgressions despite the win, booed. Marbury, not normally prone to broad, idiotic statements, uncorked this gem:

"If people feel like they need to come here and do that, then that's what they're going to do.....I don't even think they know why they're booing."

Hmm, you raise an interesting theory there, Mr. Marbury. Perhaps we can offer some points of rebuttal:

• The team, once one of the jewels of the NBA, has become a laughingstock
• The owner is a trust fund idiot who has absolutely no idea how to run the business of Madison Square Garden
• Said owner hired a GM (who now doubles as coach) who has failed at every other endeavor he's undertaken since retiring as a player
• Said GM/Coach recently took a bath (thus tarnishing an already damaged public image) by losing an embarassing sexual harassment lawsuit
• Said owner allowed that case to go to court rather than pay a quick settlement
• You, sir, Mr. Marbury, introduced the "fun truck" to that circus
• You also ditched the team during a recent west coast road trip
• The fans, realizing they were forced to pay exorbitant prices to fund this disaster, needed an outlet to express their collective frustration

Just a hunch.

Manny: Too Stupid To Plunk?

How the heck nobody has drilled Manny Ramirez in the ribs multiple times by now is simply staggering to us. This guy has been preening and admiring his prodigious blasts, no matter the situation, for so long now it defies explanation that he hasn’t been knocked on his ass by an opposing pitcher.

We can somewhat understand the Indians not wanting to rock the boat right now – there is too much at stake. Plunking Manny tonight might awaken the sleeping giant, and there is no need for that when Cleveland is poised to eliminate the Sox. Next spring though? He should get decked, and there should be several teams lining up for the opportunity.

It occurs to us that there might be other valid reasons for not dusting Manny. He has been painted as such a character by the press (and teammates), that maybe, just maybe, he really has no idea what he’s doing up there after he swings the bat. He just happy that he did well! Maybe he thought the blast in Game 4 put the Sox ahead, rather than only closed the gap to 7-3?

Who knows? Maybe the pitchers know something we don’t – that Ramirez is simply not bright enough to know what he’s doing, and they in turn take pity on him. Being Manny might be enough punishment in and of itself.

Vilma: Lay Off Vick

New York Jet linebacker Jonathan Vilma, during an interview with WFAN afternoon host Chris Russo on Wednesday, was asked to comment on the eventful offseason, specifcally regarding the misbehavior of stars like Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Michael Vick. Somewhat casually, Vilma seemed to dismiss the Vick controversey, at one point uncorking this gem:

..of course dog fighting is much more extreme, but you can equate it to horse
racing.

Really, Jon? That's a pretty bold statement there. You sticking by it?

We can see how he might equate the two. After all, it's a well known fact that Affirmed and Alydar fought each other to the death in 1978 after the Belmont Stakes. Also, do you think Ruffian's leg was broken during that run off race with Spectacular Bid? In fact, they had a pre-race brawl where The Bidmaster leaped from the top rail of the stable and crushed the fragile bone of the filly.

It's become comical to hear people attempt to defend dog fighting. "It's cultural", they've said, "you wouldn't understand". Maybe, but cultural tradition or not, it is, like, say, cockfighting, still against the law. And? It's wrong.

WFAN

Goodness Gracious! Clemens Returns!

I actually have a tiny bit of pity for the Yankees here. Think about it, the most hallowed franchise in sports was reduced to what amounted to begging a 45 year old pitcher to stop by when he has a moment and pitch into the sixth inning, while paying him about $1 million every time they give him the ball.

This is the team which does not allow facial hair, which no player is ever bigger than, which is steeped in tradition. No more. Today, they're the exact same as the Houston Astros, the last team to kiss Roger's butt and give him the most ridiculous consulting assignment in history.

The entire thing is high comedy. Clemens actually said he had no idea the "I'm flying home between starts" clause was even in the contract? Really? He expects us to believe that?

How about the unveiling of the news at Yankee Stadium on Sunday? What a joke. Again, the Yankees, baseball's classiest team, resorts to cheap theatrical tactics worthy of P.T. Barnum to spring the news on the world. Radio voice Suzyn Waldman practically wet her pants in the broadcast booth, reacting as if Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle were also returning. Goodness gracious indeed.

Not that we here at BIMRVM take any pleasure in the misfortune of others, but it would be really fun if Clemens is nothing more than mediocre once he starts throwing. Something along the lines of 8-7 with a 4.50 ERA would be enough. Numbers that one of the young Yankee arms could easily reproduce, for about $27.8 million less.

Either that, or a failed HGH test. Either option would make our year.

Black Man To Break Record: Whites Outraged

Accept it kids, the most hallowed record in sports is going down, and soon. Barry Bonds is back cranking dingers like he used to, and at the current pace will become baseball's all time home run leader sometime in early June. There has been plenty of time to assess what the impact will be, and how baseball will react. Hank Aaron has already made it known that he will not be following Bonds around once the record is poised to fall, and even Bonds is okay with that. As for Bud Selig, let's just say it would not be entirely surprising if he is suddenly called away to Asia in June for some emergency marketing trip for the next World Baseball Classic or something. The man is avoiding this like a picked on kid being pursued by the class bully as the clock inches toward 3:00.

The fact that Bonds might* have cheated is the elephant in the room here, except everyone is looking at it and saying "Damn, there's a freaking elephant in this room!". Fan reaction is largely against Bonds, except in the San Francisco area, naturally. The entire issue centers around the alleged enhancements he might have used, nothing more. Not satisfied with such a cut and dried story, ABC News decided to be complete idiots and inject race into the equation, as if that had any bearing. The results, such as they were, showed that - surprise! - blacks were on Barry's side, whites were not. Just another example of trying to keep a brother down, right? Either way, it created some manufactured controversy. Not only does race baiting sell, it was still fresh in the public's mind after the Imus controversy.

Let's see if I can understand the findings here. White people, on the whole, do not want a black man, Barry Bonds, to break a record which is currently held by.....another black man? Really? It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Bonds changed hat sizes three times in five years, added 40 pounds of muscle in his late thirties, and subsequently hit more home runs in five years than at any other period of his career? Nope, it's the skin color all the way! Thanks, ABC, for connecting those dots for us.

In 1974, as Hank Arron was about to pass Babe Ruth, I was nine years old. Even then, the number 714 held a special significance for me, knowing that it was the biggest record in sports. To me, it was incredibly exciting knowing that someone was about to pass The Babe - skin color meant absolutely nothing. I really had no idea of how much crap Aaron had to put up with from bigoted morons who were upset by this fact. I would later come to learn just how much he endured while pursuing the mark, and how well he handled it. Oh, and he never had to pee in a cup and sweat out the results either. Funny, that.

The fact that Barry Bonds is a jerk is not unknown, and he has gone to great lengths to prove just how much of a pain in the ass he can be. He might be the best teammate in the world (and that is debatable), but he has never ceased to show how his public persona is that of a petulant, spoiled superstar who is tortured by the onslaught of fame and money. Cry me a river, Barry. Hank Aaron, on the other hand, has never shown himself to be anything short of pure class, and let's not forget how much real racism he had to put up with on his way to the top of the home run list. That, more than anything else, is the saddest part of the record falling - the person doing it is a jerk who is virtually impossible to root for, and that would be true no matter what his color or nationality.

Besides, Alex Rodriguez will own this mark before he's done, and we'll probably look back on this whole period and wonder what all the fuss was about.

* not proven. After all, I might be dating Jessica Alba. Prove I'm not.

Tim Hardaway: NBA Ambassador

Tim Hardaway, thank you! It is so refreshing to see a public figure not hide behind politically correct statements, and really tell it like he or she sees it. Unlike other NBA players, who responded about as one would expect when asked about having a gay teammate, you spoke your mind:

You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I
don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It
shouldn't be in the world or in the United States.

No pussyfooting around the issue for you, Tim, no way, no how! Not you!

Oh, critics might say you were acting somehow bigoted, or hateful. Pshaw! You were simply telling the truth as you know it. If you feel that it is okay to “hate” (not “disapprove of the lifestyle”, or “not understand”) an entire group of people, that’s your right! Others might speculate your feelings stem from some past incident, such as a time where one of those people gave you a certain look. Or maybe the time you flipped on SpectraVision on that road trip and was repulsed by the girl-on-girl movie those pigs forced upon you. Where was the traditional man/woman porn, as God intended?

Others will point to statistics, which state that anywhere from 1 in 10 to 1 in 50 people are that way, which means you would undoubtedly run into on of the hated folks without even knowing it, and treated them civilly. If only you had known! Maybe if they had to wear armbands, or have a forehead tattoo or something, it would be so much easier, right?

Even though you were somewhat forced to issue an apology, kudos for keeping things in perspective:

There are more important things to worry about than my
comments. We should
be more concerned about President (George) Bush and all
the people dying in
Iraq

Stay classy big guy.

Tyson Enters Rehab

I think the most shocking thing about this story was that it had never happened before. That’s right, for all the things this guy has endured over the past twenty years, rehab was not one of them! Who knew?

The best part was how he is going in for “various addictions”. I didn’t know that was an option. What could his rehab schedule possibly look like? We’ve obtained an exclusive transcript of the Tyson schedule:

Day One
8:00 AM Wake up
9:00 AM Drugs - are bad, mmkay.
10:00 AM Why buttocks fondling is not your God given right.
11:30 AM Body art – why your first tattoo should be more discreet.
1:00 PM Women – Getting them to listen without striking them.
3:00 PM Money – Why saving some can be a good idea sometimes.
4:00 PM Don King – He’s just plain evil, dude

Repeat each session for at least 28 days.
Good luck Mike!